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We hold onto resentments in an attempt to protect ourselves from future hurt; however, these resentments impact our ability to let love in now. We tend to try to make up for our past “mistakes” by avoiding people who look or sound similar to our exes. Instead of opening up, we work hard at weeding out. For example, if you were hurt in a relationship with someone who was controlling in nature, you may think that the solution is to find a new person who is passive. If someone was a “taker,” you may try to home in on “givers.” Discernment, learning from experience, and having criteria are certainly part of the cure, but if we don’t address our past resentment and the underlying fear, we will find ourselves in Groundhog Day.*

Why? Because our spirits will not let us avoid whatever our lessons are. Have you ever said, “I thought s/he was so different from my ex, but s/he turned out to be just the same.” Of course! Our spirits wouldn’t have it any other way even if our minds would. We will attract the same issue in different disguises to give our spirits another opportunity to heal.

Therefore, instead of thinking of dating or love as a game of “dodge ball,” we can examine what our part was in the past that made us unhappy and resentful. Did you mute yourself instead of speaking up? Did you allow someone to undermine your confidence? Did you let yourself be manipulated?

Give yourself compassion and forgive yourself for anything you did that was damaging to your spirit. You now have the power to choose not only the type of person you wish to be with but also the type of person you wish to become.

*Reference is to the film with Bill Murray. In my book, Enough Is Enough!, I talk about the movie or what I call “enlightenment wrapped in the guise of a comedy.”

Ask Jane Column

I hope you enjoy this opportunity to have your questions and issues addressed by me personally. Feel free to write to me with your issue. And if you’d like to talk with me on my Ask Jane Radio Show, let me know. Jane@AskJaneNow.com

Dear Jane,

In the course of several days, my happy (I thought) relationship turned into my partner leaving me (after committing us to $20,000 in debt) the day before I went into the hospital for major surgery; I was left without her financial contribution to the household and her help while I was recuperating, not to mention that I was now saddled with the debts she incurred for us (PROMISING – even signing a promissory note- that it would be her debt) at a time when I was unable to work for three months. Then she kidnapped my daughter and waged an incredibly cruel public and internet campaign to discredit me.  To escape collections, she mobilized herself with the Navy to Afghanistan.  How’s that for betrayal?  She’s made “emotional amends” to an extent, but no financial. Yet.               –Betrayed

Dear Betrayed,

First, realize that when someone does something venomous like publicly defaming you, they do it to try to numb a painful wound within themselves. The only way she believed that she could feel better was by making you feel worse. Cruelty gives a momentary surge of power to someone who feels weak inside. To stop suffering further from her actions and to heal your bitterness, you need to stop taking her actions personally.

If she has not paid you back financially, this is because she is trying to remain important to you in the only way she knows how. Think of her the way you would a child who is acting out for attention. If someone has low self-esteem, they often feel invisible. Your resentment lets her know that you’re still thinking about her. This feeds her need to be special. To stop feeding that, feel the regret underneath your resentment.

My guess is that you had some intuition about her potential behavior but chose to ignore it. That doesn’t mean that you deserved to be betrayed. It does mean that you need to forgive yourself for not listening to your inner voice. Focus on giving yourself compassion rather than wasting your emotional energy on resentment.

Finally, let this painful experience help you discover your own negative beliefs. We choose our relationships “perfectly” in the sense that we pull in the lessons we need for our healing. Take some time to ask yourself, “How did she fit with my beliefs about relationships? My value? How I expected to be treated?” You have an opportunity to question the authority of these old beliefs and to affirm new beliefs that support your self-worth. This work will help you create more trustworthy relationships. You deserve this!

After his underemployed friend wrote him a despairing e-mail (below), a new friend of mine, Jerry Biederman, started a letter-writing campaign. The campaign has taken on a life of its own, offering hope, comfort, and compassion, not only to Jerry’s Friend, but to countless others feeling overwhelmed, ashamed, and frightened in this economy. I talked with Jerry’s Friend on my Ask Jane radio show. You will be able to listen to our talk on my site, www.AskJaneNow.com soon.
We talked about something very important: that we be very mindful to not mistake what we do (or used to do) for who we are. We are more than our resume and more than our last paycheck. Our credit card debt, our mortgage, our shrinking bank accounts have nothing to do with who we are. Our inherent worthiness is not reflected by the economy unless we make this true. Don’t! Simply don’t participate in this pervasive thinking. It helps no one—not you, not your loved ones, not everyone around you who doesn’t know what to think. Don’t use the economy as a weapon against yourself. Put your shoulders back, hold your head high, ask for help, be generous to yourself and others, and remember to admire your own perseverance, regardless of circumstances.
After speaking together today, Jerry’s Friend has agreed to write another letter and post it, aware that he is obviously being called on for a higher purpose.

If, after reading the letter below, you feel like sharing words of hope or reading Jerry’s Friend’s next letter, visit www.EmailHope.com.
From Jerry Biederman:
I wanted to share an unexpected e-mail I received from a friend.
He’s the father of two adorable little kids.
He’s one of the best people I’ve ever known.
His e-mail had an impact on me. In fact, it has made me lose sleep.
I’d like to take this dark e-mail and see if it can spark some good.
Please tell everyone you know about this. Let’s show my anonymous friend how many people out there care by sending him an email of HOPE.

From Jerry’s Friend
Hey Jerry,

Thank you for checking in with me. To be honest with you, things have not been going so well. In fact, right now it’s worse than ever.

This morning I woke up in such despair that I didn’t know what I was going to do with myself. It’s not the first time that I felt depressed about my current financial situation, but it’s the first time I felt desperate. I have always been the type of person who looks for the positive in everything. People always see me smiling, because I’ve always believed that life can improve at any moment. Today was different. My wife said two things to me that made me realize how bad it has become. First, she said, “Try to look happy in front of the kids.” Then, as she was leaving to take the girls to school, she said, “Don’t do anything stupid.” I never thought I was the type of person who would need to be told not to kill myself.

Before today, the economy has caused me to lose clients. Before today, the economy has caused me to lose health insurance. Before today, the economy has caused me to lose sleep. Today, the economy caused me to lose hope. When hope is lost, you are lost. You can live in the worst of conditions if you believe that one day things will get better. But without hope, all you think about is how there is no way out. I need to find hope again, but for the first time in my life, I can’t.

The worst part is the feeling of shame. I know I didn’t do anything wrong and don’t deserve to feel this way. I work hard. Through all the struggle, I haven’t given up. I’m a good citizen. I’m a good person, a good father, a good husband. But I can’t help from feeling ashamed that I cannot simply provide for my family anymore. All I can do is keep apologizing to my wife. She keeps telling me there is nothing to be sorry about, but I can’t shake the feeling that this is my fault. She reminds me that a few months ago all the employees at her work had their wages cut. That cost us more than two hundred dollars a month. I still feel like it is all on me, like I am letting the entire family down.

The few hours that I let myself sleep every night, so I can work again in the morning, are the worst. All I can do is lay there in bed thinking about money. When I finally fall asleep, I have nightmares. If something wakes me up, I will be up for good – worrying. I lay there in bed with my heart pounding out of control knowing that this is a nightmare I can’t wake from. When you are in this type of situation, the last place you want to be is alone with the thoughts you can’t escape.

I have become so fragile. How did I turn into this kind of man? Every time the phone rings, I have a minor panic attack. I look at the caller ID and it’s another 800 number. Could be the bank. Could be about my car payment. Could be a credit card company. I’m scared to drive, because we couldn’t afford to pay for new tags. I can’t hear the phone ring or look at my kids without feeling like a failure.

All we can do at this point is to try to keep the kids unaware of what is going on. They think we have been too busy to go to the market. My four-year-old keeps asking for milk and I tell her we still need to find time to go to the market. She has no idea that we are waiting for the next check to come in. I try to keep it fun for them. I joked with them yesterday that if they behave themselves we can go watch other kids eat ice cream. They laughed, but the sad part is that it’s true.

Every time one of the teachers at the elementary school has a birthday, my wife brings a cake and all the teachers and kids celebrate. This last time, I had to tell one of the teachers that we couldn’t afford to get the cake. How humiliating to have to admit that. She went to her purse and gave me some cash so my wife could still get the cake. Even though we told everyone that the teacher paid for it, taking that money felt like charity. I’m used to being the one who gives money to needy people. Being handed money like that hit me hard.

America is supposed to be a place where if you work hard you will move ahead. I work hard. I work during the day and through the night. My wife works hard too. We are good people. We help people. We treat everyone with respect. We are dedicated parents. Why is it that a good person who works hard has such a difficult time to make ends meet? Something is wrong. I don’t want charity. I want a chance!

I feel so alone, but I know I’m not. I read in the paper that when Circuit City closes, 35,000 people will be out of work. How do we even begin to imagine what 35,000 terrified people look like? It’s hard to take it all in even if we try. And that’s just the tip of this financial crisis iceberg.

Everyone I know is having trouble, even those who have always been well off. We can no longer depend on the people in our lives who were our safety nets in the past when times were tough. They too have holes in their pockets. I feel like I’m on a sinking ship and I am scared to death, but everywhere I look I just see more scared people looking back at me. These days, it doesn’t matter if you are traveling in first class or economy – if you are on the Titanic, you are scared and sinking like everyone else.

I wish I could die … but live to tell about it. My girls and my wife are my reason to live. I just wish we could have a mulligan – a do over.

A friend forwarded an email to me the other day. It had only one line: “Due to the economic crisis, we must turn off the light at the end of the tunnel.”

So what do I do now? When working hard is no longer working, what do you have left? When you’ve reached the end of your rope, what else is there? For the first time in my life I have run out of money and time.

I need to find hope, but right now it is nowhere.

Sorry for unloading all this on you. I guess I just needed to get it out. Thanks for listening. If you know of a miracle, a reason to have hope, I’m still here.

Don’t worry, I won’t do anything stupid today. I won’t let go of the end of my rope. The problem is, whether I hold on or not, this financial crisis is shoving me off. No one understands this. The phone is ringing. Gotta go.
To read messages from others who are offering hope and to offer your own pearls of wisdom or inspiring story, go to www.EmailHope.com.
________________________________________
Be Yourself. Everyone Else Is Taken!
– Charles Schultz
Another wonderful friend, Gary Fiset, sent me the following, by Charles Schultz, the Peanuts comic stripcreator. This is a powerful reminder for any of us, who, like Jerry’s Friend, have forgotten our true value.
You don’t have to actually answer the questions. Just read straight through and you’ll get the point.
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America pageant.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress
6. Name the last decade’s worth of World Series winners.

How did you do? The point is none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here’s another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special!!
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

Easier?
The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They simply are the ones who care the most.

My husband and I were invited, rather spontaneously, to be the guests of honor at a Christmas dinner for the teachers of the preschool/elementary school that we (you who donated plus my family) “adopted” in New Orleans last year. How could we say no?

A week later, we hopped on a plane and arrived to enjoy the 77 degree weather and the famous (and not overrated) hospitality of the people of New Orleans. But when we parked our car in front of the school, we hesitated getting out. The “neighborhood,” a euphemism for what we saw, reflected poverty and danger beyond anything I’d seen previously—and I grew up in an urban environment. The school itself was surrounded by barbed wire with a uniformed guard securing the front door. He took our licenses and signatures, reminding me of the procedures I had to go through when I had worked at a maximum security prison.

However, once inside, we were swept up in a surprisingly different energy. I was greeted with a hug by Kim, the vice principal who had become my pen pal and liaison. She was exactly as I had imagined—stately and dignified, yet warm. It was recess so Kim took us out to the school yard. The kids, dressed in crisp, clean uniforms, were rambunctious as they played ball and jumped on the new playground equipment. Kim confided, “This is the only place where they get to be kids. Some of these kids are living with strangers or distant relatives. They may not even know where their parents are since Katrina. School is their safety zone.” At that moment, a fight broke out among three boys. Kim excused herself and walked up to the boys. She touched them on their shoulders and bent down to their height. Calmly but authoritatively, she asked each boy to tell her his side of the story. Then she reminded them that they could not resort to hitting and had to come up with another strategy to resolve their conflict. She waited for them to confer and collaborate, which took surprisingly little time.

We were so impressed with the respectful, thoughtful manner Kim used with the children and found this to continue to be our experience as we sat in on several classes. In each classroom, all the children were happily engaged and the teachers involved. Kim was happy to be able to boast that the school’s test scores have doubled since last year. What makes this so remarkable is that the conditions under which these teachers are working are so stressful that it is sheer tenacity and open heartedness that account for this school’s success in the face of such great odds. Many teachers are themselves still living in temporary shelters, still suffering emotionally, financially, and physically from Katrina’s aftermath. They, along with the children, are still grieving the loss of family members who died, homes that were swept away, and lives that will never be the same. But these teachers show up every day with smiles on their faces and total dedication to these children.

For example, funds haven’t stretched far enough to provide diapers for the youngest preschoolers, so the teachers buy them out of their own small salaries. When I hear about the national “Teacher of the Year” award, I wish that each and every one of the teachers we met at James Weldon Johnson School would be recognized for their daily heroism.

After our school visit, we met up with Janet, my friend who owns the Mon Coeur jewelry store on Magazine Street, and Richard, my tour guide from the previous year who had befriended me. We talked about what has changed for New Orleans and for them personally in the past year. It seems that the initial shock has subsided along with some of the depression as the city continues to recover visually. However, there is a sense of tentativeness that is accompanied by the reality that they will continue to feel the economic hardship that the entire country now faces. In addition, they can’t forget that they are just one Category 5 storm away from disaster. This awareness infuses their everyday life in a way that is hard for outsiders to understand.

On our last night in town, Janet set up a dinner for all those I had counseled the year before. There was more laughter this year, which was wonderful to hear, and a lot of gratitude expressed for my having come the year before. But I noted every individual’s awareness that life is tentative. Maybe this lesson is a good one for all of us to contemplate, I thought, especially during this time of sweeping changes globally and within our own country.

My husband and I left New Orleans inspired by the tenacity, honesty, humility, and quirkiness of its inhabitants. We also felt a renewed commitment to bolster the efforts of the school’s administrators and teachers, who walk in every day determined to change the destinies of over 300 children. To this end, I will get a new wish list and let you know what you can do to help. By the way, Kim wanted to make sure that each of you knew how much your generosity has meant to these kids. After seeing what is being done in this school with my own eyes, I can tell you that your support hasn’t just make a difference; it has changed lives. A year ago, these children had no tables or chairs in the cafeteria, no microphone for the makeshift stage, no cabinet to hold their basketball trophy, no overhead projector, and no microwave, forcing them to eat still-frozen food. All that has changed in just one short year.

My take away from New Orleans is a reminder that no matter how tenuous circumstances may be, each of us can have a dramatic impact on others in ways we cannot predict or even fully imagine. But we can and do make a difference.

Listen to Jane’s new relationship talk show, Ask Jane, on Green 960 AM, Saturdays, 4:00 – 5:00 pm PST, or to the archived shows on this site. To be a guest on Jane’s show, e-mail Jane at Jane@Askjanenow.com with your relationship question or concern.